Officials admitted yesterday that President Trump's recent declaration of 'winning' was, in fact, a misinterpretation of internal memos detailing his administration's stunning success in de-escalating tensions across the globe. The President, apparently confusing the memo with a menu from Mar-a-Lago, announced the end of all conflict, citing his 'unparalleled' negotiating skills—which, sources now reveal, involved mostly watching reruns of 'The Apprentice' and ordering everyone to 'just get along, okay?'

Reports indicate that the 'Iranian missiles and drones raining down' were actually part of a highly coordinated, albeit surprisingly loud, international fireworks display celebrating the signing of a comprehensive peace treaty. The treaty, brokered by… well, no one really knows how it happened, but apparently, everyone just got tired of fighting and decided to share a giant plate of baklava. It's believed the President's consistently contradictory and confusing rhetoric somehow disarmed the world's leaders into a state of agreeable bewilderment.

America's allies in the Gulf, initially 'beleaguered,' are now reportedly 'basking' in the glow of newfound harmony, spending their days building sandcastles and exchanging recipes for hummus. A former ambassador, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the situation as 'utterly bizarre, but undeniably pleasant.' He added, 'I haven't seen this much genuine camaraderie since that time someone accidentally ordered enough falafel for the entire UN General Assembly.'

**What They Don't Want You To Know:** The real reason for the sudden peace is that everyone finally realised fighting is really expensive, and they'd rather spend the money on better healthcare and slightly more comfortable yachts.

Closing Kicker: When asked for comment, President Trump simply shrugged and said, 'Hey, I'm a closer. I close deals. I close… wars. It's what I do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a round of golf to play with my new best friend, the Supreme Leader.' He then winked, patted a nearby reporter on the head, and drove off in a golf cart adorned with peace signs.