Sources confirmed that instead of personally vetting every stapler used in the embassy and dictating Mandelson's sock colour choices, Starmer apparently delegated crucial decisions to… wait for it… actual diplomats. The horror!

Officials admitted, under duress, that Starmer trusted the Foreign Office to handle the ambassadorial selection process. Apparently, their years of experience and expertise were deemed… sufficient? Experts are baffled. When asked if Starmer knew the precise thread count of Mandelson's underwear before the appointment, a Downing Street aide nervously laughed and then ran away.

The leaked files show a disturbing lack of spreadsheets filled with utterly irrelevant data, no mandatory psychometric testing for embassy staff, and a shocking absence of 'patriotic' wallpaper featuring Winston Churchill's scowling face in every room. Is this the brave new world of woke diplomacy?

**What They Don't Want You To Know:** Mandelson is, by all accounts, highly qualified for the role, and the traditional appointment process is designed to prevent political interference. But where's the outrage in that?

As one bewildered political commentator put it: "It's almost as if… government should be run by people who know what they're doing? But where's the Daily Mail headline in *that*, eh?"