GENEVA – Formula One Management (FOM) today released a statement affirming its unwavering commitment to holding the Bahrain and Saudi Arabian Grands Prix as planned, dismissing concerns about the ongoing conflict in the Middle East as 'peripheral logistical considerations'. Citing a 98.7% on-time delivery rate for spare parts, FOM insists that all necessary resources are in place to guarantee a seamless and entertaining spectacle for racing enthusiasts worldwide.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference held in a five-star Geneva hotel, FOM CEO Stefano Domenicali reassured reporters that the organisation had contingency plans in place to address any potential disruptions, including the possibility of multiple drivers withdrawing from the races due to ethical objections. 'We have a robust pipeline of talent,' Domenicali declared, 'including top-ranked esports professionals who are eager to prove their mettle on the real track. Plus, we've invested heavily in advanced crash test dummies. They're surprisingly aerodynamic.'

The announcement comes amidst growing criticism from human rights organisations and racing commentators who have questioned the ethics of holding sporting events in countries with questionable human rights records. However, FOM officials have dismissed these concerns as 'uninformed speculation' and emphasized the positive economic impact of the Grands Prix on local communities, specifically citing the increased demand for luxury yachts and bespoke champagne.

'We understand that some individuals may have reservations,' stated a spokesperson for the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix organising committee, 'but we firmly believe that the races will provide a much-needed distraction from the geopolitical complexities of the region. And besides, the new track lighting system is absolutely dazzling.' The spokesperson then presented journalists with complimentary diamond-encrusted earplugs to further alleviate any potential discomfort.

**What They Don't Want You To Know:** The actual risk to the drivers and their teams. The truth is that the organisers are heavily dependent on the races going ahead for both their prestige, and of course, their profit margins. They have quietly insured against accidents or cancellations to the tune of $875 million, with only 0.003% of that allocated to driver safety.

'At the end of the day,' Domenicali concluded, adjusting his solid gold Rolex, 'the show must go on. And if the show involves a few strategically positioned crash test dummies, then so be it. As they say in motorsport, 'Safety Fast!' Well, we certainly are going fast, anyway...'