Following weeks of intense media scrutiny on male behaviour, officials admitted today that reports of harassment have plummeted… replaced by a surge in incidents of extreme, almost debilitating courtesy.

"It's terrifying," said Brenda Fickle, a florist from Basingstoke. "A man came in, saw me arranging the lilies, and burst into tears. He kept apologizing for assuming their gender and then fainted. I had to revive him with a spritzer."

The trend extends beyond human interaction. A binman in Birmingham was reportedly hospitalized after suffering an anxiety attack when he couldn't determine if a refuse bin identified as male or female. He is now suing the council for "creating a hostile waste disposal environment."

Even trees aren't safe from this tidal wave of over-apologetic behaviour. Park wardens report seeing men weeping at the base of oaks, begging forgiveness for historical deforestation and the patriarchy's role in oppressing arboreal communities.

What They Don't Want You To Know: A recent study by the 'Institute for Studies Which May Or May Not Be True' found that most men are just generally confused and trying not to get cancelled.

In a related story, sales of self-help books on 'Navigating Modern Etiquette' have soared by 10,000%. One particularly popular chapter advises men to simply "become a hermit and communicate only through interpretive dance."