Officials at GB News, speaking on condition of anonymity, have sensationally admitted that Andrew Neil's recent column regarding Iran, Moscow, Beijing, and Donald Trump may have been… slightly overblown. Sources confirmed Neil was overheard muttering 'Perhaps cock-a-hoop is a bit much, even for me' after rereading his own work.

Reports indicate that far from 'fuming', European leaders are actually quite relieved at the current geopolitical landscape. 'Honestly,' one diplomat confided, 'it's been a remarkably peaceful Tuesday. Dare I say… boring?' The alleged 'folly' of Donald Trump, according to insiders, has resulted in a surprisingly stable oil market and a marked decrease in inflammatory tweets.

Furthermore, intelligence agencies have confirmed that Iran's allies in Moscow and Beijing are, in fact, engaging in measured diplomatic discussions. 'They're mostly just talking about trade deals and climate change,' a spook revealed. 'There's even a rumour of a joint venture to develop a more efficient recycling program.' The alleged 'cock-a-hoop' sentiment has been downgraded to 'mildly optimistic about the future, given the circumstances'.

**What They Don't Want You To Know:** Numerous independent analyses suggest that global anxiety levels are at an all-time high, fuelled in part by sensationalist media coverage. Experts recommend taking regular breaks from news consumption and engaging in activities such as gardening, meditation, or staring blankly at a wall.

In a stunning twist, Andrew Neil was later spotted at a local farmer's market, buying organic vegetables and humming a cheerful tune. When approached for comment, he simply smiled and said, 'Perhaps the apocalypse can wait until next week.'