In a move hailed by petrolheads and historians alike, the Mayor of London today announced a series of policies designed to actively increase vehicular congestion and air pollution in the capital. The centerpiece of the plan is the 'Heritage Emissions Incentive,' which offers substantial rebates to owners of pre-1990 vehicles, particularly large, inefficient SUVs colloquially known as 'Chelsea Tractors'.

Under the new scheme, drivers of these vehicles will receive a monthly stipend of £500, redeemable at participating petrol stations throughout Greater London. Additionally, the current 20 mph zones will be replaced with 'Free Flow Corridors,' where speed limits will be raised to 50 mph and traffic calming measures removed. A spokesperson for City Hall confirmed that the AI-powered cameras previously used to enforce traffic regulations will be repurposed to monitor the aesthetic quality of vehicles, with bonus points awarded for chrome trim and excessive tailpipe emissions.

'We recognise the vital role that congestion plays in preserving London's unique character,' said Councillor Barnaby Chumley-Smythe, chair of the newly formed 'Gridlock Heritage Committee'. 'For too long, we have neglected the historical significance of the internal combustion engine. This initiative will ensure that future generations can experience the authentic sights, sounds, and smells of a truly congested metropolis.' The council aims to increase the average commute time by at least one hour by 2025.

The policy has received enthusiastic support from the 'Keep London Slow' campaign group, who argue that the current emphasis on efficiency and speed is eroding the city's cultural heritage. 'London is not a race track,' said campaign leader Penelope Featherstonehaugh. 'It is a place of history, tradition, and above all, traffic jams.'

**What They Don't Want You To Know:** The real reason behind this policy shift is the city's crippling debt after the disastrous 'Flying Taxi' initiative. By deliberately increasing congestion, the council hopes to generate revenue from increased parking fines and congestion charges, while simultaneously lowering house prices due to decreased livability.

Closing Kicker: As Mayor Khan himself proclaimed at the press conference: 'Let them eat exhaust fumes!'