In a stunning reversal of traditional political rhetoric, Labour Together officials reportedly spent Friday afternoon drafting proposals that would see benefit caps lifted entirely and the minimum wage tied not to inflation, but to a complex algorithm measuring national contentment. Sources confirmed that the 'Triple Lock Suspension,' initially touted as a necessary austerity measure, has been replaced with a 'Quadruple Guarantee' ensuring pensions increase in line with GDP, average ukulele sales, the price of Yorkshire puddings, and the perceived threat level from squirrels.

The move has been met with stunned silence from traditional media outlets, who are reportedly struggling to find a way to frame the policy as anything other than 'blatantly, unashamedly helpful.' One Daily Mail columnist was overheard lamenting, 'How can I possibly spin this into a national disaster? People might actually be… happy!'

The details of the plan are even more outrageous. A leaked memo reveals that the happiness index will be crowdsourced, with members of the public regularly asked to rate their overall life satisfaction on a scale of 1 to 'Unironically Enjoying a Scone.' Furthermore, the algorithm will reportedly factor in data from local libraries, community gardens, and the number of people volunteering to help old ladies cross the road – all metrics the government is expected to substantially increase.

What They Don't Want You To Know: The Treasury's own internal modelling suggests that increased disposable income leads to a spike in artisanal cheese consumption, boosting local economies and reducing the national debt through indirect taxation on brie.

Closing Kicker: When asked to comment, a Labour spokesperson simply smiled and said, 'We're just trying something crazy… like helping people.' The Daily Mail is expected to run a 12-page spread on the dangers of smiling next Tuesday.