Dubai's glitterati are in DAMAGE CONTROL after previously sneering at Brits who returned home amidst growing regional tensions. Sources within the influencer community CONFESSED last night that the sudden exodus has resulted in a 'catastrophic decline' in sponsored content views and luxury handbag sales.

The rapid about-face comes as data reveals a staggering 97% drop in engagement from UK-based followers. One influencer, known only as 'DiamondDivaDubai', was overheard lamenting, 'Who else is going to double-tap my avocado toast pics?' at a recent caviar-tasting event.

In a desperate attempt to win back favour, influencers are now offering 'Welcome Back' packages including complimentary afternoon tea with REAL clotted cream (flown in daily from Devon, allegedly) and personalised video messages begging the Brits to 'Please come back and validate our existence!'. Even local sheikhs are reportedly getting involved, offering discounted falconry lessons and assurances that any future wars will be 'brief and tastefully staged'.

Meanwhile, back in Blighty, the returning Brits are basking in the glory of lukewarm beer and complaining about the weather. One anonymous expat told The Rogue Editor, 'Honestly, the free scones are tempting, but nothing beats a good moan about train delays. Besides, I’ve always wanted to experience a full English summer rain and enjoy the vibrant grey sky.'

**What They Don't Want You To Know:** Some Dubai influencers are secretly investing in UK-based businesses, including a chain of 'authentically British' pubs serving only lukewarm beer and soggy chips – a cunning plan to ensure a steady stream of homesick expats.

Closing Kicker: As one influencer sobbed into her diamond-encrusted tissue, 'We just want them to remember us... and maybe buy a few more of those £5,000 handbags. Is that too much to ask?'